Mom’s nap

Remember when you were young, unmarried with no children and the weekends were AWESOME??!  Fun, sleep.  Fun, sleep.  Talk on phone.  Awesome brunch.  Perhaps some champagne?  Maybe a bloody mary.  Laugh with friends.

You don’t?  Yeah, me either.  Barely a memory.  Of course they’re fun for different reasons now.  Seeing your child attempt to play soccer.  Snuggling in bed at 7am  giggling with your kids, who are bouncing all over the place.  Going to the park.  AGAIN.

But let’s be honest.  Weekends with kids are really just an extention of the week, especially if you’re a stay at home mom.  You’re basically doing the same shit.  It just happens to be Saturday, and instead of being at work, your husband is napping peacefully on the couch.

Anyway.  K is awesome about letting me sleep a bit on Saturday mornings and takes the kids downstairs.  I can still hear them, as documented in this post here, but the point is, they are somewhere else.  When I got up, we took the kids to the Museum of Nature and Science for a while and, truly, all I wanted to do was take a nap later on even though I had been allowed to sleep in(I stayed up way too late reading).  When we got home, K had somewhere to go, so I settled in with the kids and put a movie on for them, thinking I could just lay on the couch and rest.  My mistake.

Nap attempt 1:  Zoe lays right on top of me and DOES NOT STOP MOVING for a solid 30 minutes.  Squirming, squiggling, kicking her feet, waving her arms.  The girl is lucky she’s cute, is all I can say, because I was well and truly pissed after being used as a jungle gym.  I finally managed to settle her beside me, instead of on top of me.

Nap attempt 2: Approximately 10 seconds after I close my eyes, Max settles his face directly in front of mine.  “Mom, can I have some Girl Scout Cookies?”  No.  “C’MON MOM”  No.  “MOOOOOMMMM”  No.  “I never get anything I want!”  This nightmarish exchange lasts about 10 minutes.

Nap attempt 3:  Eyes are closed.  I feel a presence.  That presence is Zoe’s bare butt.  The child has stripped nude and is attempting to sit on my chest.  Gorgeous.

Nap attempt 4:  “Mom, can I have some milk?”

Nap attempt 5: “Mommy, pee-pee!”  *points to floor*

Nap attempt 6: “Mom, I don’t like this movie….can we watch something else?”  We are more than half way through the movie.

Nap attempt 7: Max yells from the bathroom, in a sing-songy voice.  “Mooooommmmmmyyy.  There’s no toilet paper in heeerrreee and I poooooped!”

Nap attempt 8: Settling in.  On the verge of sleep.  Zoe yells, “Mommy, ight wa-wa, tee!!”  (Ice water please)

Nap attempt 9:  Movie ends.  Arguments ensue about whether we should watch Ninjago or Peppa Pig.  Pushing and shoving. Yelling.

Nap attempt 10:  Ahh sleep.  Max–“Mom, do you know where my crayons are?”  Zoe–“Mommy poop!” *points to baby potty*

Give up.

A father’s attempt at a nap on the weekends.

Nap attempt 1:  Lay down on couch, with a football game on low volume.  Sleep.  Children color quietly for two hours.

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Horrendous children’s toys

Christmastime is upon us all and it is time to practically go into debt trying to please the little people who run our households.  I’ve started exclusively shopping online because I hate stores/malls/lines/people in general and I’ve found some interesting stuff.  By that I mean, absolutely horrendous, ridiculous, gross, insane children’s toys.

Follow me:

This.

What in holy hell???  I’m sure they would get Max instantly with the phrase “crawling disgusting maggots”, but they definitely haven’t sold me yet.  And I’m unclear, are there seriously maggots in here or is it fake?  Because I don’t want maggots in my rice, and I certainly don’t want them in my child’s hand.

 

This:

Imagine the humiliation of someone thinking that your little girl is *gasp*, a boy.  Or even worse, a frickin baby.  Baby gotta have bangs.  Can’t just look like a baby.  The only way I would ever buy this is to get the “afro” bangs and put it on my white baby.  Just to keep people guessing.  Yes, the website does have different nationalities.

 

This:

Oh good, something that can make my house messier than it already is.  Some sort of concoction that turns water into “goo”.  Because enormous amounts of dirt under my kids fingernails isn’t enough–we now need to mix it with goo.  Not to mention mixing goo with children’s private parts.  I can’t even begin to imagine what my bathroom would look like after this fiasco.  Water is everywhere after I bathe the kids together.  I really don’t think that adding a gelatinous red substance is going to improve what the place looks like.  Isn’t the point of a bath to be cleaner?  And “gelli baff”?  Um, gelli is spelled jelly and baff is spelled bath.  Do we have to be messy and illiterate?

 

This:

Because life is now so dangerous, that babies are not even allowed to learn to walk on their own.  They must have support.  We must come to their aid.  I just know that without this groundbreaking invention, all babies will crawl forever and we will have a whole new generation entirely made of crawlers.  Everything will be built on a smaller scale.  No longer will nine foot ceilings in houses be the norm.  Three feet is more than enough.  A  stove top can be built right into the floor.  A football field will be two yards.  Olympic gymnastics will consist of rolling all over the floor.  Thank God, thank GOD for One Step Ahead’s forethought.  This is right up there with knee pads for babies that are crawling….what must kids who live in African mud houses do???  And 30 bucks?  Seriously?  I’m pretty sure I could make this out of a reusable grocery sack.

 

This:

Do you smell that?  It’s the smell of every mother’s despair after a play doh session, in which she will be scraping and digging dried doh out of every surface of the house.   “Now in a convenient spray!”

 

Okay not really an insane child’s toy, but AWESOME:

Soap.  In the shape of  baby hands.  Do I need to say anything else about this product?

 

This:

This is either really weird, or the greatest thing I’ve ever seen.  I can’t decide.  The normal person in me says, “okay c’mon, do we really need to humiliate dad this way?”  And then the stressed out mom (with a side of crazy in me) says, “Yeaahuss!  Let’s put daddy  to work!!  GIDDIUPP!!”  Max and Zoe would love his thing!  Max might even break out spurs.  Zoe would be all, “YAY DADDY YAY!!”  And I would laugh and drink wine in the corner, while facebooking obviously.

 

My search continues for Christmas gifts.  Because none of these are going to cut it.  I will continue to search the web in an effort to avoid malls/lines/people in general.

And did you know that there are actually toy play houses out there that cost, like $25,000?  And mini cars for $14,000?  Who are the people buying these things????

Tuesday

So, you know how you have one of those days where you discover you have to replace your sliding glass doors in your  condo in Chicago because of leaks, thus making it impossible to buy the house that you were planning on building because it’s so expensive for those sliding glass doors, which really upsets you to the point where you spend half the day crying because you’re sick of renting a place in a town that you just moved to a year ago and still don’t really feel settled in and then your kid is yelling at you and in a terrible mood all day, shrieking that you’re a bad mommy and he doesn’t love you anymore and then you struggle through the grocery store with two annoying children, totally tired because you couldn’t sleep the night before, and the one ingredient you need for that night’s dinner–stir fry sauce–falls out of the bag when you get home and shatters all over the garage floor, creating a mess of brown gloop and you simply can’t face going back to the store and then burst into tears again and leave the sauce, making the whole garage stink and try to figure out what to make for dinner that night and your kids refuse to eat lunch and only want cookies and then it takes you over an hour to get your two year old down for a nap and she’s screaming and then wakes up after only a half an hour and after getting her out of her crib you spend 1/2 an hour on hold with the State of Colorado because they say you made a mistake on your sales tax form and you never get through to an actual human being and then the one human you manage to speak to all day is a woman at the DMV who argues with you about whether you had an emission’s test last year (which you did) and she tells you you need another one?  And then you discover at 5pm that you only have a thimble full of red wine left?

So that sums up my Tuesday.

When does school start again?

Despite the fact that my home looks like an episode of “Hoarders”, summer hasn’t been as bad as I feared. Lots of pool time (which unfortunately doesn’t allow for a lot of talking with friends…..between the “watch me moms!” and the constant vigilance of the 2-year-old jumping into the deep end, clueless to any danger…talking for more than a millisecond is impossible).  But it always guarantees a good nap from said two-year old if we spend a few hours at the pool in the morning.  During that time, I usually clean   pay bills   relax spend two hours arguing with Max over something.  It truly is like arguing with a drunk person. It goes something like this:

“Max honey, please change out of your suit into your clothes”

“NO!”

“Excuse me?  I asked you politely and we can’t sit on the couch in a wet suit.”

“It’s my choice to be wet and you’re not the boss of my bathing suit!”

“Well I am the boss of you and I say either change out of your suit or sit in your room doing nothing….THAT’S your choice.”

“WELL, I SAID that I would if you would listen to me but you’re never paying attention and my suit isn’t wet ANYHOW!!!! angry mumble angry mumble  “And you shouldn’t yell at me, because you’re the mommy and mommies shouldn’t yell and I’m just the kid and I’ve decided that my suit should stay on!! “The suit is my choice!   AAANNDD, I’m HUNGRY!!!”

“You may have a sandwich when you’re changed.”

“But MOOOOOMMMM, I need to go poop first”

“Fine”

“And when I yell I’m ready, you come in and wipe my bottom!”

And so on.  Then Zoe wakes up and arguing between Max and her begins.  It goes like this:

“Zoe don’t do that!  You shouldn’t touch that!”

*silence from Zoe*

“Stop it Zoe!”

“Moooommm, Zoe’s looking at me!”

*silence from Zoe*

“Quit it Zoe!”

*Zoe innocently playing with a puzzle piece that Max played with approximately 3 1/2 years ago*

Hey!!!!  *running at top speed towards Zoe and shoving her with all his might*  “Don’t touch my things Zoe–Moooommm!  Zoe touched my puzzle piece from three years ago!!”

I seriously feel like I’m living in a hospital for the criminally insane.  The only way to stay out of this asylum is chilling out with a marathon of Hoarders….which at least makes me feel better about the state of my house!

 

Things I love

Lest everyone think I am a bitter mommy, who can’t wait to have my kids grown up and gone, I have compiled a list of the things I love about being a mommy and things I love about my kids in general.

Obviously, this will be followed by a list of things that really make me want to guzzle a bottle of gin at the end of the day. Wait I’m not really a gin drinker….it kind of makes me slightly angry a bit different a complete bitch from hell.  Let’s change that to  one a few beers, or a modest glass bottle of Zin.  Okay, on to the list!

Things I love:

Max asking me “Mommy, is this a picture of Obama?”  while he points to a picture of George Washington.  I laughed so hard I peed a little.

Zoe yelling “Woo! woo! woo!” every time she sees a dog.  It sounds absolutely nothing like woof woof.

Teeny tiny butts.

Watching Max take a shower and wash his own hair while singing and using approximately four gallons of baby wash/shampoo.

Zoe taking off at a high-speed run, hysterically laughing, the second she’s nude.

Max making his bed and getting dressed without me asking, even though he’s dressed in corduroys and a sweater on a 95 degree day.

Max coming up to me right now and whispering “Mommy, daddy said to keep it a secret that we just ate donuts”

Seeing Max swim without fear.

Seeing Zoe float on her back in the deep end at the age of 2.

Watching Zoe pick out her own clothes for the day, which consists of two shirts and one sock.  And sparkly shoes.

Max grabbing on to his testicle and saying “Mommy, whats this?”

Zoe’s spider monkey routine–she holds on to me so strongly with her arms and legs that I don’t even have to hold on to her.  I can practically cook a cake with her clinging to me.

Things I need wine to deal with:

This

The fact that my kids never have this look on their faces when I serve them food

These gorgeous moments

See how many more “likes” I have than dislikes?  Well that’s only because I just had some drinks.  Just kidding.  Maybe.

Mother’s Day

So it’s been a few weeks since Mother’s Day, but I just wanted to post my favorite part of it.  This is what Max did in school that day.

Um, cereal?  No, not my favorite food.  Um, the dentist?  He’s gone twice in his life and I doubt he even remembers the first visit.  Allowance?  This is my son’s favorite thing about me?

And why is my belly button so enormous?

 

Hold your kiddos tight

So this happened in Qatar, the country we moved from 10 months ago…..

Villaggio Fire

We lived in Qatar for 3 years.  We had a wonderful time.  Do we know any of these victims?  No, not personally.  A recognition of someone’s name, a similarity from somewhere–perhaps we saw them at the grocery store once or saw them at a children’s birthday party?  But whether we know them or not, it’s still hard to comprehend.  I took Max to this Gympanzee center a few times to play.  It never occurred to me to check for fire exits.  I noticed, of course, that it was down a long winding hallway, but I never once thought we would be trapped there, unable to get out, while a fire raged nearby.

Hold your kiddos tight tonight guys.

Max-isms

The wisdom that is my son….

–“Everybody who loves Ninjas, raise your hand!!!”

–*straps an eyemask around his chest like a bandeau top*  *sigh* “Mommy, I just want to be a girl right now….”

–“Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Ninjas, blah, blah, blah, blah, Nascar, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Dale Earnhart Jr., blah, blah, blah, blah, Ninjas, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Ninjas, blah, blah, blah, blah, candy, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, NINJAS!!”

–“Mom!  You shouldn’t be drinking white wine with this!  This is meat, you should have red.”

–“Tell you what Daddy.  You give me money”

Me: Max where are you?

  Max: I’m not doing anything!!

*upon finding max laying strips of toilet paper over a pile of poop in the bathroom*

Me: “What the HECK are you doing?????”

Max: “I leaned over to pull my pants down and the poop flew out of my butt. “

Max: “Mommy I just pooped my pants.”

    Me: “WHAT????!!!”

    Max: “Not for real.  I’m just pretending”

*stuffing shirt with socks*  “Mommy, look I have boobs!”

–“Mommy if you get into a fight with someone, all you have you have to do is work it out”

Max: “Mommy, I feel really sick.”

   Me: “So should we skip your play date?”

   Max: “No thanks”

–“I like tails on fish, but not on people”

–“Mommy today I saw a butterfly sucking on a flower with it’s probiscis”