Horrendous children’s toys

Christmastime is upon us all and it is time to practically go into debt trying to please the little people who run our households.  I’ve started exclusively shopping online because I hate stores/malls/lines/people in general and I’ve found some interesting stuff.  By that I mean, absolutely horrendous, ridiculous, gross, insane children’s toys.

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What in holy hell???  I’m sure they would get Max instantly with the phrase “crawling disgusting maggots”, but they definitely haven’t sold me yet.  And I’m unclear, are there seriously maggots in here or is it fake?  Because I don’t want maggots in my rice, and I certainly don’t want them in my child’s hand.



Imagine the humiliation of someone thinking that your little girl is *gasp*, a boy.  Or even worse, a frickin baby.  Baby gotta have bangs.  Can’t just look like a baby.  The only way I would ever buy this is to get the “afro” bangs and put it on my white baby.  Just to keep people guessing.  Yes, the website does have different nationalities.



Oh good, something that can make my house messier than it already is.  Some sort of concoction that turns water into “goo”.  Because enormous amounts of dirt under my kids fingernails isn’t enough–we now need to mix it with goo.  Not to mention mixing goo with children’s private parts.  I can’t even begin to imagine what my bathroom would look like after this fiasco.  Water is everywhere after I bathe the kids together.  I really don’t think that adding a gelatinous red substance is going to improve what the place looks like.  Isn’t the point of a bath to be cleaner?  And “gelli baff”?  Um, gelli is spelled jelly and baff is spelled bath.  Do we have to be messy and illiterate?



Because life is now so dangerous, that babies are not even allowed to learn to walk on their own.  They must have support.  We must come to their aid.  I just know that without this groundbreaking invention, all babies will crawl forever and we will have a whole new generation entirely made of crawlers.  Everything will be built on a smaller scale.  No longer will nine foot ceilings in houses be the norm.  Three feet is more than enough.  A  stove top can be built right into the floor.  A football field will be two yards.  Olympic gymnastics will consist of rolling all over the floor.  Thank God, thank GOD for One Step Ahead’s forethought.  This is right up there with knee pads for babies that are crawling….what must kids who live in African mud houses do???  And 30 bucks?  Seriously?  I’m pretty sure I could make this out of a reusable grocery sack.



Do you smell that?  It’s the smell of every mother’s despair after a play doh session, in which she will be scraping and digging dried doh out of every surface of the house.   “Now in a convenient spray!”


Okay not really an insane child’s toy, but AWESOME:

Soap.  In the shape of  baby hands.  Do I need to say anything else about this product?



This is either really weird, or the greatest thing I’ve ever seen.  I can’t decide.  The normal person in me says, “okay c’mon, do we really need to humiliate dad this way?”  And then the stressed out mom (with a side of crazy in me) says, “Yeaahuss!  Let’s put daddy  to work!!  GIDDIUPP!!”  Max and Zoe would love his thing!  Max might even break out spurs.  Zoe would be all, “YAY DADDY YAY!!”  And I would laugh and drink wine in the corner, while facebooking obviously.


My search continues for Christmas gifts.  Because none of these are going to cut it.  I will continue to search the web in an effort to avoid malls/lines/people in general.

And did you know that there are actually toy play houses out there that cost, like $25,000?  And mini cars for $14,000?  Who are the people buying these things????


School’s out, Act 1

School has been out for two weeks now and, so far, things have been going well.  We went to Santa Fe to visit grandma and grandpa for a few days, so that was a nice little distraction.  Max received a gift of two more Lego ninjas, cementing his obsession with all things ninja even further.  Yesterday at Walgreens he was really good helping me shop so I agreed to guy him something from the dollar aisle before we left and we found this….

Seriously?  Does this toy need to be THIS small?  Notice he is not much bigger than Max’s eye in the background.  He is approximately the size of my thumb nail.  Between this, Polly Pocket, and ridiculously small Lego pieces, my vacuum cleaner is going to be jam-packed by the end of the week.  No wonder my house is a friggin mess.  I cannot keep up with these things.  I decided to really check out the toys my kids have and do a little inventory.

I give you a random sampling of one of the drawers in the children’s toy cabinet.  I reached in, grabbed a handful and came up with this:

A. One fourth of an orange crayon;   B. A yellow golf ball;  C. An old dehydrated apple chip (personally made by me….do you see the respect I get?….just tossed into the toy drawer instead of eaten???;  D. A random Lego piece, which belongs to who knows which set, small and sharp enough to slice my foot right open;  E. A small traffic cone;  F. A teeny tiny pretty pony;  G. Pretend Cream of Chicken soup….mmmmm;  H. A pipe cleaner shaped spider that I have never seen before in my whole life, but the thing is sharper than a steak knife;  I. A plastic shaped ball, which opens and is apparently supposed to hold something;  J. A pretend lemon;  K. A Lego head, which is super cool because, as you can see, he’s totally rocking sunglasses;  L. Random tiny Lego pieces the size of Zoe’s smallest toenail;  M. A Ninjago catalog to convince children that they need more Ninjago stuff;  N. An angry bird pig;  O. An Angry Bird band-aid, unwrapped, but, mysteriously,  unused.

I can’t cope.  No wonder we can never find anything…..none of this stuff even matches anything else in the same drawer.  It’s all just random and driving me insane!  Time for a serious toy reorganization.  I’ll just fit that in between my 6234 loads of laundry, 12,000 dishes and 24 trips per week to the grocery store.  Oh and in a brilliant maneuver, I told Max we would make homemade granola bars tomorrow and we bought crapload of oats, nuts, honey and coconut today.  Because that won’t take any time at all.