Mom’s nap

Remember when you were young, unmarried with no children and the weekends were AWESOME??!  Fun, sleep.  Fun, sleep.  Talk on phone.  Awesome brunch.  Perhaps some champagne?  Maybe a bloody mary.  Laugh with friends.

You don’t?  Yeah, me either.  Barely a memory.  Of course they’re fun for different reasons now.  Seeing your child attempt to play soccer.  Snuggling in bed at 7am  giggling with your kids, who are bouncing all over the place.  Going to the park.  AGAIN.

But let’s be honest.  Weekends with kids are really just an extention of the week, especially if you’re a stay at home mom.  You’re basically doing the same shit.  It just happens to be Saturday, and instead of being at work, your husband is napping peacefully on the couch.

Anyway.  K is awesome about letting me sleep a bit on Saturday mornings and takes the kids downstairs.  I can still hear them, as documented in this post here, but the point is, they are somewhere else.  When I got up, we took the kids to the Museum of Nature and Science for a while and, truly, all I wanted to do was take a nap later on even though I had been allowed to sleep in(I stayed up way too late reading).  When we got home, K had somewhere to go, so I settled in with the kids and put a movie on for them, thinking I could just lay on the couch and rest.  My mistake.

Nap attempt 1:  Zoe lays right on top of me and DOES NOT STOP MOVING for a solid 30 minutes.  Squirming, squiggling, kicking her feet, waving her arms.  The girl is lucky she’s cute, is all I can say, because I was well and truly pissed after being used as a jungle gym.  I finally managed to settle her beside me, instead of on top of me.

Nap attempt 2: Approximately 10 seconds after I close my eyes, Max settles his face directly in front of mine.  “Mom, can I have some Girl Scout Cookies?”  No.  “C’MON MOM”  No.  “MOOOOOMMMM”  No.  “I never get anything I want!”  This nightmarish exchange lasts about 10 minutes.

Nap attempt 3:  Eyes are closed.  I feel a presence.  That presence is Zoe’s bare butt.  The child has stripped nude and is attempting to sit on my chest.  Gorgeous.

Nap attempt 4:  “Mom, can I have some milk?”

Nap attempt 5: “Mommy, pee-pee!”  *points to floor*

Nap attempt 6: “Mom, I don’t like this movie….can we watch something else?”  We are more than half way through the movie.

Nap attempt 7: Max yells from the bathroom, in a sing-songy voice.  “Mooooommmmmmyyy.  There’s no toilet paper in heeerrreee and I poooooped!”

Nap attempt 8: Settling in.  On the verge of sleep.  Zoe yells, “Mommy, ight wa-wa, tee!!”  (Ice water please)

Nap attempt 9:  Movie ends.  Arguments ensue about whether we should watch Ninjago or Peppa Pig.  Pushing and shoving. Yelling.

Nap attempt 10:  Ahh sleep.  Max–“Mom, do you know where my crayons are?”  Zoe–“Mommy poop!” *points to baby potty*

Give up.

A father’s attempt at a nap on the weekends.

Nap attempt 1:  Lay down on couch, with a football game on low volume.  Sleep.  Children color quietly for two hours.

When does school start again?

Despite the fact that my home looks like an episode of “Hoarders”, summer hasn’t been as bad as I feared. Lots of pool time (which unfortunately doesn’t allow for a lot of talking with friends…..between the “watch me moms!” and the constant vigilance of the 2-year-old jumping into the deep end, clueless to any danger…talking for more than a millisecond is impossible).  But it always guarantees a good nap from said two-year old if we spend a few hours at the pool in the morning.  During that time, I usually clean   pay bills   relax spend two hours arguing with Max over something.  It truly is like arguing with a drunk person. It goes something like this:

“Max honey, please change out of your suit into your clothes”

“NO!”

“Excuse me?  I asked you politely and we can’t sit on the couch in a wet suit.”

“It’s my choice to be wet and you’re not the boss of my bathing suit!”

“Well I am the boss of you and I say either change out of your suit or sit in your room doing nothing….THAT’S your choice.”

“WELL, I SAID that I would if you would listen to me but you’re never paying attention and my suit isn’t wet ANYHOW!!!! angry mumble angry mumble  “And you shouldn’t yell at me, because you’re the mommy and mommies shouldn’t yell and I’m just the kid and I’ve decided that my suit should stay on!! “The suit is my choice!   AAANNDD, I’m HUNGRY!!!”

“You may have a sandwich when you’re changed.”

“But MOOOOOMMMM, I need to go poop first”

“Fine”

“And when I yell I’m ready, you come in and wipe my bottom!”

And so on.  Then Zoe wakes up and arguing between Max and her begins.  It goes like this:

“Zoe don’t do that!  You shouldn’t touch that!”

*silence from Zoe*

“Stop it Zoe!”

“Moooommm, Zoe’s looking at me!”

*silence from Zoe*

“Quit it Zoe!”

*Zoe innocently playing with a puzzle piece that Max played with approximately 3 1/2 years ago*

Hey!!!!  *running at top speed towards Zoe and shoving her with all his might*  “Don’t touch my things Zoe–Moooommm!  Zoe touched my puzzle piece from three years ago!!”

I seriously feel like I’m living in a hospital for the criminally insane.  The only way to stay out of this asylum is chilling out with a marathon of Hoarders….which at least makes me feel better about the state of my house!