Mom’s nap

Remember when you were young, unmarried with no children and the weekends were AWESOME??!  Fun, sleep.  Fun, sleep.  Talk on phone.  Awesome brunch.  Perhaps some champagne?  Maybe a bloody mary.  Laugh with friends.

You don’t?  Yeah, me either.  Barely a memory.  Of course they’re fun for different reasons now.  Seeing your child attempt to play soccer.  Snuggling in bed at 7am  giggling with your kids, who are bouncing all over the place.  Going to the park.  AGAIN.

But let’s be honest.  Weekends with kids are really just an extention of the week, especially if you’re a stay at home mom.  You’re basically doing the same shit.  It just happens to be Saturday, and instead of being at work, your husband is napping peacefully on the couch.

Anyway.  K is awesome about letting me sleep a bit on Saturday mornings and takes the kids downstairs.  I can still hear them, as documented in this post here, but the point is, they are somewhere else.  When I got up, we took the kids to the Museum of Nature and Science for a while and, truly, all I wanted to do was take a nap later on even though I had been allowed to sleep in(I stayed up way too late reading).  When we got home, K had somewhere to go, so I settled in with the kids and put a movie on for them, thinking I could just lay on the couch and rest.  My mistake.

Nap attempt 1:  Zoe lays right on top of me and DOES NOT STOP MOVING for a solid 30 minutes.  Squirming, squiggling, kicking her feet, waving her arms.  The girl is lucky she’s cute, is all I can say, because I was well and truly pissed after being used as a jungle gym.  I finally managed to settle her beside me, instead of on top of me.

Nap attempt 2: Approximately 10 seconds after I close my eyes, Max settles his face directly in front of mine.  “Mom, can I have some Girl Scout Cookies?”  No.  “C’MON MOM”  No.  “MOOOOOMMMM”  No.  “I never get anything I want!”  This nightmarish exchange lasts about 10 minutes.

Nap attempt 3:  Eyes are closed.  I feel a presence.  That presence is Zoe’s bare butt.  The child has stripped nude and is attempting to sit on my chest.  Gorgeous.

Nap attempt 4:  “Mom, can I have some milk?”

Nap attempt 5: “Mommy, pee-pee!”  *points to floor*

Nap attempt 6: “Mom, I don’t like this movie….can we watch something else?”  We are more than half way through the movie.

Nap attempt 7: Max yells from the bathroom, in a sing-songy voice.  “Mooooommmmmmyyy.  There’s no toilet paper in heeerrreee and I poooooped!”

Nap attempt 8: Settling in.  On the verge of sleep.  Zoe yells, “Mommy, ight wa-wa, tee!!”  (Ice water please)

Nap attempt 9:  Movie ends.  Arguments ensue about whether we should watch Ninjago or Peppa Pig.  Pushing and shoving. Yelling.

Nap attempt 10:  Ahh sleep.  Max–“Mom, do you know where my crayons are?”  Zoe–“Mommy poop!” *points to baby potty*

Give up.

A father’s attempt at a nap on the weekends.

Nap attempt 1:  Lay down on couch, with a football game on low volume.  Sleep.  Children color quietly for two hours.



Actual conversation by the town center fountains/playground:

Nude little boy: Hello

Me: hi!

Zoe:    ::silence because the darn child still isn’t talking::

Nude little boy busies himself towelling off

Zoe: ohh ohh ohh!!    :points to boy’s bellybutton::

Me: oh yes, that’s his belly button

Zoe: ohh ohh ohh!!    ::points to his penis::

Nude little boy: hey!   ::turns away::

Me: oh sorry, she’s just curious because she’s a girl and she doesn’t have those parts

Nude little boy:    ::thinks::

Me: you know, because girls and boys have different parts

Nude little boy: hey!  Yeah! Girls have a black triangle thing right here!!     ::points to his privates::

Me:   ::die laughing::

The end.  


Parenting with a sense of humor

I have a pretty good compilation of embarrassing parenting moments.  I have more stories than I can count, but we can save those for another day.  I give you this:

*When DS was younger, he liked to pick his nose.  One day I took him to the mall in his little buggy (the red one with the blue handle).  As I was shopping, he kept saying, “mommy, mommy”, but I didnt really pay much attention.  Well I guess he had picked his nose and had a big ol’ booger at the end of his little index finger and was trying to get my attention to show it to me.  Another lady saw this and started laughing.  I just got a wipe and cleaned it off of his finger, but I felt so embarrased.  God only knows how long he was flashing his booger for. 

*I’ve nicknamed one of my 3 year olds Gossip Girl. Every time I pick her up from preschool, she feels the need to report who got in trouble, who got a time out, who didnt listen. And this is in front of all the parents. I try to quickly change the subject, but its always immediately “Justin didnt listen today. John got yelled at” And I’m sure shes so innocent.

*In line at the supermarket, DS noticed the very large woman behind us was buying those YoCrunch yogurts with the candy and cookie stir ins.  He told her, “that’s not very healthy food!”  I guess I should be glad that he knows!

*My husband always makes sure it be known when asked in the morning from Jadyn “where are you going Daddy” …as he is off to work…..with his reply ” I am going to work to make the money”………Last week someone asked Jadyn what does your Daddy do for his job?…..Her reply ” He “makes” money!

*When DD1 was just under 3, we were at French class doing the opening song. Each child would take a turn while we all sat in a circle, singing, in French, “Hello (name) how are you?”.  When it was DD’s turn, she sat quietly for a second. Then she turned around, looked at me and grabbed my boobs. As if that wasn’t enough, she shouted out “Mommy’s boobies! Mommy’s boobies!” laughing hysterically, and squeezing my boobs w/ both hands with everyone looking on.

*My husband, as well as many others his age, are in love with Star Wars. And slowly your children get introduced to the characters…not by watching the movies themselves, but seeing items my husband owns, commercials, and happy meal toys. Well, my three year old decided it is pronounced as “Star Whores”. Now I see the error in my ways thinking this is hysterical and I didn’t want to correct her and take away our amusement. And it never was an issue….until Halloween. Because we had just started school last fall, we were slowly being introduced to the children in our subdivision and getting to know the parents. One family dressed all five of themselves as Star Wars characters….do you see where we’re going now? In the middle of trick or treating…”MOMMY, MOMMY…LOOKS IT’S STAR WHORES”. Thank goodness it was dark, because I felt my face get hot and time was frozen as I swear hundreds of families just stop and stare in the middle of the street. I felt like I was naked. So I quickly corrected her and laughed trying to not sound bothered by the whole scene. Then I hear a heckler in the crowd…”No honey….that’s a completely different movie” Laughter errupted as we quickly fled the scene.

*Erin lets everyone know that boys have a penis and girls have a vagina. She will just randomly announce it. Then goes on to clarify that Sean has a penis and she has a vagina. And that I have a vagina. Then will say “girls have a vagaina. Boys have penis. Girls have vagina. What comes next mommy?? BOYS HAVE PENIS!!” While happy that she has the whole anatomically correct thing figured out, it gets a bit old having my 3 year old announce to the cashier at King Soopers her knowledge of the vagina and the penis. I suppose it’s better than the story my mom tells about my brother when he was 2. We lived in a VERY caucasian little farming town in Michigan and they were visiting my grandparents in Detroit and my brother saw some African Americans and loudly asked my mother about the chocolate people. How fun for her.

*David’s new favorite thing to do is wipe his snot on my shirt. Ever since he’s had his most recent cold, I have had to change my shirt 2 to 3 times a day. I don’t have a lot of maternity clothes, so it has made for some lovely belly shirts.

On another note, some douchbag dad asked me today if I was having twins. I laughed (to avoid the tears) and told him no. He then said “I bet I’m not the first guy to ask you that.” OH REALLY! What a jerk.

I concur with that–what a jerk.  In my opinion you aren’t even allowed to ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you actually see a baby emerging from her vagina.

Give me a few more days to write of my 7 days with the kiddos alone.  I’m still recovering!

A conversation with a 5 year old

Driving home from school, stopped at a light

Max: mommy, that dog right there is peeing

Me: yes

Max: why?

Me: because he had to pee

Max: *pause*. Mommy?

Me: yes

Max:  he was lifting his leg, which means he’s a boy dog

Me: yes

Moment of silence

Max: mommy?

Me: yes?

Max: how do girl dogs pee?                                                                                       

Me: they squat down

Max: hmm. Do you squat down?

Me: no I sit on the toilet

Max: because you pee out of your butt?

Me: *silence*  ( i am going to let this question pass for now)

Max: mommy?

Me: yes?

Max: did ralphie lift his leg?  (ralphie being our former dog)

Me: yes

30 seconds of blissful silence

Max: mommy?

Me: yes?

Max: how do dog’s poop?

It’s just endless