Remember when you were young, unmarried with no children and the weekends were AWESOME??! Fun, sleep. Fun, sleep. Talk on phone. Awesome brunch. Perhaps some champagne? Maybe a bloody mary. Laugh with friends.
You don’t? Yeah, me either. Barely a memory. Of course they’re fun for different reasons now. Seeing your child attempt to play soccer. Snuggling in bed at 7am giggling with your kids, who are bouncing all over the place. Going to the park. AGAIN.
But let’s be honest. Weekends with kids are really just an extention of the week, especially if you’re a stay at home mom. You’re basically doing the same shit. It just happens to be Saturday, and instead of being at work, your husband is napping peacefully on the couch.
Anyway. K is awesome about letting me sleep a bit on Saturday mornings and takes the kids downstairs. I can still hear them, as documented in this post here, but the point is, they are somewhere else. When I got up, we took the kids to the Museum of Nature and Science for a while and, truly, all I wanted to do was take a nap later on even though I had been allowed to sleep in(I stayed up way too late reading). When we got home, K had somewhere to go, so I settled in with the kids and put a movie on for them, thinking I could just lay on the couch and rest. My mistake.
Nap attempt 1: Zoe lays right on top of me and DOES NOT STOP MOVING for a solid 30 minutes. Squirming, squiggling, kicking her feet, waving her arms. The girl is lucky she’s cute, is all I can say, because I was well and truly pissed after being used as a jungle gym. I finally managed to settle her beside me, instead of on top of me.
Nap attempt 2: Approximately 10 seconds after I close my eyes, Max settles his face directly in front of mine. “Mom, can I have some Girl Scout Cookies?” No. “C’MON MOM” No. “MOOOOOMMMM” No. “I never get anything I want!” This nightmarish exchange lasts about 10 minutes.
Nap attempt 3: Eyes are closed. I feel a presence. That presence is Zoe’s bare butt. The child has stripped nude and is attempting to sit on my chest. Gorgeous.
Nap attempt 4: “Mom, can I have some milk?”
Nap attempt 5: “Mommy, pee-pee!” *points to floor*
Nap attempt 6: “Mom, I don’t like this movie….can we watch something else?” We are more than half way through the movie.
Nap attempt 7: Max yells from the bathroom, in a sing-songy voice. “Mooooommmmmmyyy. There’s no toilet paper in heeerrreee and I poooooped!”
Nap attempt 8: Settling in. On the verge of sleep. Zoe yells, “Mommy, ight wa-wa, tee!!” (Ice water please)
Nap attempt 9: Movie ends. Arguments ensue about whether we should watch Ninjago or Peppa Pig. Pushing and shoving. Yelling.
Nap attempt 10: Ahh sleep. Max–“Mom, do you know where my crayons are?” Zoe–“Mommy poop!” *points to baby potty*
Give up.
A father’s attempt at a nap on the weekends.
Nap attempt 1: Lay down on couch, with a football game on low volume. Sleep. Children color quietly for two hours.
Zoo Animals Disguised As Children 
This is an excerpt from my life. ~ twin 2 year olds and a 4 month old
I’m deleting a jullion e-mails and this came up!!!! You are sooo funny!!! Your Dad and Dick played golf for the 2nd day in a row and can hardly move – foolish men. I, on the other hand went to a movie “The Quartet”, had lunch at Del Taco, deadheaded the flowers, put the cushions out on the chairs and read the paper and a magazine while sitting in the sun – now THAT’S a Saturday!!! Also saw “Silverlinings Playbook” while they played golf yeasterday. I sure LOVE it when your Dad has friends in town – it’s a vacation for me