When does school start again?

Despite the fact that my home looks like an episode of “Hoarders”, summer hasn’t been as bad as I feared. Lots of pool time (which unfortunately doesn’t allow for a lot of talking with friends…..between the “watch me moms!” and the constant vigilance of the 2-year-old jumping into the deep end, clueless to any danger…talking for more than a millisecond is impossible).  But it always guarantees a good nap from said two-year old if we spend a few hours at the pool in the morning.  During that time, I usually clean   pay bills   relax spend two hours arguing with Max over something.  It truly is like arguing with a drunk person. It goes something like this:

“Max honey, please change out of your suit into your clothes”

“NO!”

“Excuse me?  I asked you politely and we can’t sit on the couch in a wet suit.”

“It’s my choice to be wet and you’re not the boss of my bathing suit!”

“Well I am the boss of you and I say either change out of your suit or sit in your room doing nothing….THAT’S your choice.”

“WELL, I SAID that I would if you would listen to me but you’re never paying attention and my suit isn’t wet ANYHOW!!!! angry mumble angry mumble  “And you shouldn’t yell at me, because you’re the mommy and mommies shouldn’t yell and I’m just the kid and I’ve decided that my suit should stay on!! “The suit is my choice!   AAANNDD, I’m HUNGRY!!!”

“You may have a sandwich when you’re changed.”

“But MOOOOOMMMM, I need to go poop first”

“Fine”

“And when I yell I’m ready, you come in and wipe my bottom!”

And so on.  Then Zoe wakes up and arguing between Max and her begins.  It goes like this:

“Zoe don’t do that!  You shouldn’t touch that!”

*silence from Zoe*

“Stop it Zoe!”

“Moooommm, Zoe’s looking at me!”

*silence from Zoe*

“Quit it Zoe!”

*Zoe innocently playing with a puzzle piece that Max played with approximately 3 1/2 years ago*

Hey!!!!  *running at top speed towards Zoe and shoving her with all his might*  “Don’t touch my things Zoe–Moooommm!  Zoe touched my puzzle piece from three years ago!!”

I seriously feel like I’m living in a hospital for the criminally insane.  The only way to stay out of this asylum is chilling out with a marathon of Hoarders….which at least makes me feel better about the state of my house!

 

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Things I love

Lest everyone think I am a bitter mommy, who can’t wait to have my kids grown up and gone, I have compiled a list of the things I love about being a mommy and things I love about my kids in general.

Obviously, this will be followed by a list of things that really make me want to guzzle a bottle of gin at the end of the day. Wait I’m not really a gin drinker….it kind of makes me slightly angry a bit different a complete bitch from hell.  Let’s change that to  one a few beers, or a modest glass bottle of Zin.  Okay, on to the list!

Things I love:

Max asking me “Mommy, is this a picture of Obama?”  while he points to a picture of George Washington.  I laughed so hard I peed a little.

Zoe yelling “Woo! woo! woo!” every time she sees a dog.  It sounds absolutely nothing like woof woof.

Teeny tiny butts.

Watching Max take a shower and wash his own hair while singing and using approximately four gallons of baby wash/shampoo.

Zoe taking off at a high-speed run, hysterically laughing, the second she’s nude.

Max making his bed and getting dressed without me asking, even though he’s dressed in corduroys and a sweater on a 95 degree day.

Max coming up to me right now and whispering “Mommy, daddy said to keep it a secret that we just ate donuts”

Seeing Max swim without fear.

Seeing Zoe float on her back in the deep end at the age of 2.

Watching Zoe pick out her own clothes for the day, which consists of two shirts and one sock.  And sparkly shoes.

Max grabbing on to his testicle and saying “Mommy, whats this?”

Zoe’s spider monkey routine–she holds on to me so strongly with her arms and legs that I don’t even have to hold on to her.  I can practically cook a cake with her clinging to me.

Things I need wine to deal with:

This

The fact that my kids never have this look on their faces when I serve them food

These gorgeous moments

See how many more “likes” I have than dislikes?  Well that’s only because I just had some drinks.  Just kidding.  Maybe.