I was thinking this morning that I have to come up with something fun and interesting for the blog and was kind of at a loss because we had a fairly boring weekend. But sometimes, opportunity presents itself. It presented itself in the form of President’s Day–otherwise known as “a day where schools are not open to torture parents and let them know who’s really in charge” (that would be the children). I know we’re supposed to take President’s Day and honor our country’s presidents and blah blah blah, but clearly the person that declared this a day off from school was not a parent. Not even close.
I knew I had both children at home with me today and was prepared. I had decided “Hey why not take the kids to the Play Park at Cherry Creek Mall since we’ve never been there and it’s too chilly to go to the park?” This was a mistake. A mistake of epic proportions.
Craziness started before we even arrived. Zoe crumbled a waffle all over the backseat of my BMW (a very used BMW but still). During the drive to the mall (all of a 15 minute drive), Max declared that it was “taking 5 hours” and whining to the point where I needed a glass of wine at 10 in the morning. Five minutes in, he looked around and yelled out, “We’re not even in Denver anymore! This is Santa Fe!” We were 10 blocks from our house.
We arrived and I checked out the mall map since we had never been there. Upon turning the corner and catching sight of the playzone, I stopped abruptly. A couple two word phrases entered my mind. Those words were “holy shit” and “fucking nightmare”. Even the kids were stunned into silence for a minute. It was absolute MAYHEM. Every kid in Denver must have been at this place. You literally couldn’t even see the floor. About 85% was covered with child and the other 15% was occupied by a parents that clearly had lost all control. The mall had been open for seriously 20 minutes.
But I was committed at this point. There was no turning back so in we went! I camped out in a seat (there were plenty because it seemed that every parent there was a helicopter parent–helping their child with their every move, even though none of the slides were higher than two feet off the ground–see the Free Range Kids blog for this type) and let the kids go to town. Zoe commenced climbing nimbly on every square surface of the place (how did I get a girl who’s a climber?) and Max disappeared completely. I swear I lost sight of him for a good ten minutes at one point. Every once in a while, a blur of striped shirt and brown hair would fly by and I would hear “AAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!” and I would know he was okay. Then I would spot Zoe standing on TOP of a Disney character, 5 feet off the ground in socks, while 30 kids bumped into her, grinning her head off. I saw numerous parents yelling at kids that clearly weren’t their own–and I thought ROCK ON with the reprimanding of complete strangers. It was a land totally and utterly ruled by children.
I saw kids crying hysterically, I saw lollypops stuck on the floor, I saw several children fall off previously referred to 2 foot slide, parents running at top speed to break up a fight, Disney characters defiled in ways I can’t describe and I eventually found my own daughter with her pants off and starting to take her diaper off. It was out. of. control.
I swear I am not a neglectful parents–that kid can whip a diaper off faster than you can imagine. I was watching them–it was just so out of hand that an AC/DC concert would have been more organized. This is NOT WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR when K and I decided that I should be a stay at home mommy.
So eventually we left, (socks for both children are missing and I shall never see them again) and then I made the awesome decision to take them to Johnny Rockets for lunch–yes a meal out with only one parent. Brilliant idea.
Tomorrow Max has school off again (so we can continue to honor and think of our U.S presidents). Tomorrow should definitely be better, as I have to go to the DMV to get a new driver’s license. Yes, the DMV. With two children.